Criminalizing Confectionery

by Kevin McGehee
North Pole, Alaska
The Armed Genius Newsletter

Pssst! Wanna buy a kilo of high-grade Hershey?

So, like, I was just getting mellow on some Milk Duds, y'know, and DUDE! I saw in the newspaper they think chocolate effects people just like weed! Well, DUHHH!! I knew that totally years ago, man! But it's a bummer, like, 'cause now the man has got wise, and next thing you know you'll have to go to the witch doctor for a prescription for your favorite brick of Special Dark.

We choco-stoners had it good, man, but now some science geek has found out our dirty little secret and it's gonna be hard to find a good buzz in a couple of days. It's gonna take Mr. Bill, like, months to make up his mind to regulate the good brown like he just did the cancer sticks, and maybe he'll never do it if Bob Dodo doesn't get into an argument about it on morning TV.

Yeah, I know, it means we can still chow down for some great trippin', but before you can pig, you gotta find the stuff _ and until they outlaw it, it's gonna stay on the rack like it's always been and the rug rats are gonna be heisting it left and right, know what I'm talkin' about? Just like we used to do when we were brats, like, and we figured out that high we got from a good mouthful of Milky Way wasn't from the sugar. Ha ha!

So the candy man's probably gonna jack up the price, and if it's expensive he's gonna put it behind the counter with the smokes and the booze, and us indulgers are gonna be hurtin', y'know? Bummer, huh? Oh, well. Nothing good lasts forever, I guess. Whoa, hey! Look who's on the tube! It's Mr. Bill! Dude! Some reporter geek's asking him about chocolate! Listen, man!

"Like everybody else in those days I tried chocolate, but I didn't like it and I didn't swallow, and I never did it again."

Aw, MAN! What a freaking hypocrite! I mean just look at that dude's butt and you know he ain't chewin' Trident when he's vegging out in the Oval Office! Man, I bet he gets five-pound boxes of Russell Stover delivered every morning with his Washington Post and his Mother Jones. Aw, man, he pisses me off! Oh, and here comes that McCurry puke. Get a load of this!

"Hey, I grew up in the Seventies. Did I ever have a handful of M&M's once in a while? You bet I did!"

Now there's a man who talks straight, y'know? But why ain't he tellin' those sanctimonious carob-crunchers that there ain't nothin' wrong with gettin' a little wasted on a good Snickers bar now and then. Life's hard, man. You gotta unwind sometimes, right?

Hey, is that a Charleston Chew peekin' out of your pocket! C'mon, dude, let's party!

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