Amazing Perversions

by Steve Mason

We make some of our greatest gains
when we see old things in new ways

Just when you think you've seen it all, somebody comes down the pike with a perversion that can only be called...Amazing. And, for a guy who makes his living in the sex biz, you can understand how truly amazing something's got to be to get my attention.

So consider this, there's a guy in Amsterdam who gets off taking showers fully clothed. He reports that a suit with a double vented jacket works best. Go figure. Whether or not he lathers and shampoos I don't know. Nor do I know if he then has his clothes dry cleaned. Somehow that would make no sense but, then again, consider the gent with whom you're dealing.

During this past year, I also came across armpit worship and people who get hot looking at clowns. Perhaps the idea of nine guys with wigs and squirt flowers piled into a car the size of a washing machine does have a certain appeal - but it escapes me and I'm really open minded. On the other hand, take your Japanese schoolgirls. Now that's a turn-on I can appreciate but the newest craze, pictures of them lying in traction in hospital beds, seems to go way beyond the standard, and what I see as the far more reasonable, white panty crotch shot. To me, watching bones mend is a lot like watching paint dry. I also tend to think one would not be at their absolute best after a month strung up in a bed but what do I know?

Videos of lactating transsexuals (whatever happened to the good old fashion girl with a dick?) and practitioners of scrotal inflation (I'm still trying to forget that one), have also made their way into my IN box. A little odd but nothing compared to those with a sneeze fetish. If they're to be believed, watching a sweet young thing taking a pinch of snuff takes them over the top every time. I should think the bird flu holds promise of a true orgasmic frenzy.

But for tastes out of this world, there's a new crowd of sci-fi fans who are devoted to the notion of sex with extra terrestrials. I can see it with the Amazon types Flash Gordon was always fighting off (why he was fighting them off, I don't know) but alien tastes in the 21st Century veer more in the direction of hairy spiders. If they're from another planet, they've got what it takes - sometimes in duplicate.

And speaking of veering, did you know there's a ready market for auto crash porn? No kidding. Seeing body parts in tangled steel beats centerfolds hands down in some circles. I wonder if this group can relate to atrocity junkies? With all the dicing and slicing now rampant in the Middle East, this form of stroke flick entertainment appears to be gaining in popularity. At least there's far more of it available with troops returning to what may be the second most sexually inhibited culture. And with the modern technology that's now on sale at the PX, videos set to music that include animation and narration are not at all uncommon. Maybe, one day soon, there will be an Indy Film Award for such efforts.

Then there's dressing up like animals and doing the dirty. I thought this was a joke until I talked with a few fur aficionados. It's not unlike, they tell me, the costume affairs that have always been part of the gala carnival celebrations in Rio, Venice and New Orleans. The only difference is that instead of dressing like pirates and wenches, this group is bent on looking and behaving like a bunch of animals. Come to think of it, I've been to a few frat parties like that.

Look At It This Way

If you think about it, there are few things simpler than the traditional, time-tested In 'n' Out. There's no assembly required and instruction manuals need cover only a few of the basics. The rest comes naturally. Yet our society today seems determined to turn this simple pleasure into a three-ring circus.

New perversions are coming along at a clip matched only by those who are equally determined to deny sex at every turn. If the government - with all its color-coded, constantly elevated threats - is to be believed, the U.S.A. is surrounded by terrorists all set and ready to make mushroom clouds. And yet, despite this, where is a significant chunk of money and manpower being spent? Fighting porn! Satellite transmissions are being tapped, computer search engines are being monitored, condoms are pulled from foreign aid shipments, teachers are suspended for using words like clitoris, while millions in taxpayer dollars are spent protecting us from Howard Stern.

I don't know about you, but for me, when compared to the folks in Washington, a guy who has to climb into a giraffe outfit before he can get it up makes a whole lot more sense.

Contact the author with a description of your favorite perversion at

DrSBMason at

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